A Garbage Gut Guide To Getting Free Drinks (in two parts)

Part One is pretty easy. Here's what to do:

1. You sit at the bar drinking a beer. Meanwhile the bartender is getting someone else a beer.

2. The bartender breaks the other patron's glass. Therefore he can't rightfully serve that beer.

3. But the bartender doesn't want to waste beer so he pours it in another glass.

4. The bartender will approach you and tell you what happened then ask if you'd like the beer but, "Warning: May contain glass."

5. Agree to free beer and live life on the edge.

The second part is slightly more difficult. I would not recommend this for the Garbage Gut amateur. Here's how it goes:

You've been hanging out at the bar all night drinking your beer with glass in it and you're feelin' pretty good. The bar is closing up, but the bartender tells you to stick around because, let's face it, you may be bleeding internally. You help the guy collect all the glasses, cups, cans and the bartender starts pouring all the leftover gin, beer, rum, Clamato, whiskey, grapefruit juice, etc. into a pint glass. The bartender tells you to drink it, and you do.

Pizza from the Future

The other night I was walking home after the bar closed too drunk to decide where I was goin' to stop for food. Indecisive as a mother fucker I reached home keeling over in stomach pain I was so damn hungry. I walked up my stairs fearing that my fridge would be empty and I'd have to try and sleep without sustenance. I enter the kitchen, I open the fridge, lo and behold the only fuckin' thing in there is mayonnaise and bread. Being Garbage Gut I'm not above eating a mayo-sando before bed, but I was compelled by an unknown force to open my microwave. There inside the microwave is two slices of pizza, just waiting for me. I couldn't for the life of me figure out where they had come from, but who cares where they come from fuckin' pizza time, eh? The only theory I'm working with is that, similar to Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, at some point in the future I will go back in time to leave that pizza in the microwave for myself in the past. I'll tell you this though, pizza from the future, it's only alright. I'd recommend stickin' a slice between some bread and mayonnaise.

Sunny Day Hangover GARBAGE GUT EDITION

Here's a quick one while he's away:

So you wake in the morning to find your head ache and you need a cure right now. The sun is up so grab your cup and get ready for a quick snack to snap you out the shitty mood you're in.

Featured in the photo is a blueberry bagel with cream cheese and roast beef to the right of a jar of 2 day old home brew coffee converted (via ice) to iced coffee with a spoon in it all on top of a paper towel.

"The Flight That Got Away"

pictured: two Chicago Style hot dogs and cheese fries

photo: Jasmine Lee

This summer I visited my friend Jasmine in Chicago. Chicago is food-famous for it's deep dish pizza (which wasn't all that impressive) and it's hot dogs. In the Hot Dog category a place called Hot Doug's is particularly good. Pretty famous spot, whenever you see a hot dog from around the nation documentary on the Food channel I can promise you this place is on there. So on my last day in Chicago, right around lunch time, about two hours before my flight to New York, Jasmine and I go to Hot Doug's.

We catch a bus which drops us off directly outside Hot Doug's, excellent. There is a line going out the door, not excellent, which is very strange because not once in Chicago did I have to wait, or see, a line for anything. I'd say it takes us about thirty minutes to get inside the place and check out the menu which features hot dogs as simple as the classic Ketchup Dog, to Chicago-style, and Foie Gras Dogs.

I'm a simple man, with simple dreams, so I order a Chicago-style dog because I figure this is the best opportunity I'll ever get to try one, and I order another because I'm hungry, and then I order cheese fries because I'm Garbage Gut and Jasmine can be very convincing.

One of the best parts about Hot Doug's is that Doug actually takes your order, and he's a really nice guy. He made suggestions, shot the shit, and wished me well on my impending flight that would be leaving Chicago in about an hour and a half.

Delicious hot dogs. Chicago-style means: mustard, onion, relish, sliced tomato, and a big ol' pickle on a poppy seed bun. If there ever was a good time for a food coma it would've been now, were it not for my flight in one hour.

After Hot Doug's I bust my ass to get back to Jasmine's to grab my bag, hop a train to the airport, and RUN to get a boarding pass. I don't get the boarding pass. I don't get on my flight. I have to pay a fee to get on the next flight.

Total Cost for those hot dogs: $105

Garbage Gut Score: 10 of 10